I wanted to write an incredibly deep and moving blog, but honestly my brain is crap. Its 3am and I’m still awake. I’ve spent most of the day sleeping because my hip is out of place….again. But this time instead of just being an inconvenience, I’ve been dealing with pain which makes me cry….just to let you know I’ve stepped on nails, gotten my feet stepped on by horses, been sucker punched and I didn’t really cry with any of those. The hip being out of place is just a new problem with a body which apparently wants to fall apart.
Since the beginning of this year I’ve been dealing with a multitude of health issues. Normally I have health problems but I can work around them, it comes with having an autoimmune disease. This year though, my body decided that the thyroid medication couldn’t possibly work anymore meaning I’m dealing with random weight gain, constant exhaustion, wanting to sleep, not wanting to eat, joint pain and so much more! That whole sentence would make a crappy commercial.
So in the past two months, my doctor has been working with me to try and find a good dosage while also running tests because….when I was 18; I had thyroid cancer. Woo! (Please note there is a WHOLE LOTTA sarcasm in this post.) Because of the fun cancer fact, when my body goes crazy I get to have some tests done to see if the cancer is back. Cause cancer does that. Its an uninvited house guest which poops in your sink, sets fire to your washer machine, clogs the toilet, and steals your favorite blanket. Then when you think you finally got rid of the lil asshole…it likes to come back, do it all over again and kick your puppy just for good measure. That would be cancer for ya. Sometimes its super sneaky about all of this too, so you think you’re losing your mind.
Also just an fyi people survive cancer but it can come back. Its a fact I live with everyday. Not something I think about much anymore, but its a truth. No one needs to be reminded of it, no one wants too. But if it does come back, will it be worse then before? Will there be more treatments? Surgery? These are all questions I have to ask. The thing is I don’t have answers. And I can’t let those thoughts stick in my head for long or I’ll drive myself crazy.
I’m exhausted, my body feels like its failing and I’ve had several tests done in the last month and will have more done. The thing is….I have moments of fear but I’m not scared. Mostly frustrated, its highly inconvenient to have health issues in general. This post has mostly been a rant. I’d love to finish off with some amazing nugget of wisdom but I don’t have much to offer except this…I am tired to the point where I want to lay down and not get up. So I get up. Everyday I get up, I brush my teeth, check in with my friends, feed my cat and talk to my plants. Maybe that’s all I do, but I got up and that’s all that matters some days.
Speaking Outloud 