Why is it children think adults are so free? Why is it when I became an adult I stopped dreaming?
When I was a child, I thought I’d have all this freedom as an adult. I’d also have money and be able to do anything, there would be no restrictions on what I could do. It didn’t matter what others said cause I knew I could do it.
But at the age of 11, the thoughts and images changed. I became convinced I’d die by 21 simply because I had no desire to live further. Adulthood and growing up became chains. The future unbearable, a pit which would hopefully end quickly.
I never made the correlation between puberty and depression until recently. My struggle with mental health issues started young. I cannot remember portions of my childhood or teenage years, huge chunks are gone. The parts I have in my mind are of constantly crying myself to sleep, night after night. Wanting things to end and daydreaming of having amnesia. Forgetting everything I knew.
Its terrifying to feel all of this and have no name. When I reached out to people they told me, I was dramatic. I had no help and something in me shut off. Later I would learn all about disassociation, I struggle with it to this day.
There is a clear before and after picture. Before, I thought the world open to me, I could be anyone and anything (including a mythical creature.) After, nothing. A desire for the pain to stop, to be normal.
I stopped dreaming at a young age, I’d have bursts where I’d put together a plan and seem more normal. But I didn’t have the energy to continue. So I can’t say I stopped dreaming as an adult, it just I began to give up. Go through the motions because apparently life meant crushing dark thoughts, lack of energy, memory loss, sleeping too much, seeking comfort in food and no help.
I was wrong. What I was doing wasn’t living, it was barely surviving. And I did get help, but not until I turned 18. 7 years and lost youth when finally I got some kind of name for this ailment.
Depression.
The gloom had a name.
That’s where my story starts.
With a diagnosis.
Speaking Outloud 