Doubt

Doubt: to be uncertain about something or someone: to have no confidence in someone or something.

I wanted to make sure I got the Webster Dictionary definition as I’m once again doubting my ability to use my brain.

Part of this whole EDS thing, for me, is a fair amount of brain fog. Brain fog is a lack of clarity, memory problems and an inability to focus. It makes me question myself. I forget words, facts, simple things that I’ve known all my life. It usually also comes with extreme fatigue. An exhaustion so deep I can barely move and usually lay down before I end up on the floor.

It also sows doubt in me. I begin to wonder if I’m actually capable of simple tasks, including writing lists or even just feeding myself.

Why is it such a big deal?

Because I don’t always know when its going to hit, and as of this moment it stops me in my tracks. Pushing through ends badly, every time. As in I’ve had to cling to a cart in Wal-Mart while a friend guided me out and instructed me to sip water because I suddenly couldn’t figure out directions and was unable to articulate what was happening. Or when I can feel it coming on pulling over and calling someone to come pick me up because in a few more minutes I won’t be able to drive.

It is debilitating and more then anything that is what fills me with grief, and frustration. I want to be able to do simple every day tasks but at this time, I am limited and doubting what I can do.

I am going to have to learn how to work with brain fog and other symptoms of EDS. Moreover its a whole new way to live.