Loss

Its bad when I can’t remember the last time I posted on my own blog. I want to laugh about it, but instead I find myself wondering why. That will be another post though.

Right now, I’m mulling over loss. The effects it has on people, places…things.

My family can be incredibly secretive, for the longest time I thought it was normal. Later in my life I found it was pretty common with abusive families.

Besides the secrecy, is also the lack of communication which I’m sure everyone understands in one way or another. It isn’t just that others in the family DON’T want to communicate, its also when they try, it never goes well. The other party becoming hurt, angry or causing an outburst. Vulnerability is almost unheard of, it can lead to the most pain and could be used against someone.

And yet, I’ve found this to be a loss on my family’s part. They don’t know what I know, how I’ve gotten to know my siblings and who they truly are. People are missing out and it angers me. Depresses me.

With the secrecy and lack of communication, you can imagine what growing up was like. The saddest part is it led to us unable to have healthy coping mechanisms. Even now I fight so hard to use my own tools and not fall back on what I knew.

Loss, the loss of innocence, a childhood. Those are losses which I and my siblings grieve. We essentially do not have parents, and have had to learn from each other. I was the lucky one, finding mentors, seeking counseling, doing everything in my power to be better. I had freedom to do so because I am female and had been labeled as overemotional. My siblings didn’t have that luxury…but at the same time I wonder, why didn’t they seek out help? Why do they keep doing and going the way they are?

I think its because what they know and moving away from one’s comfort is terrifying. Something I was only able to do when the pain became to much as did the yearning to somehow overcome the loss of innocence and my childhood. To do better.

So if you are entering into counseling, thinking about it. I encourage you to do so but know its hard work and rarely shows immediate results, in the long run it is so worth it. For those like my siblings know you are worth more then your circumstances, past, heartaches, mistakes and abuse. You are cherished, seen and adored. Please seek help and know you aren’t alone.