Modding Skyrim and why its helping my mental health

So…I’m a gamer. We won’t get into what this means to me or anything like that in this post, instead lets talk about why I find figuring out how to make mods work on an older game helpful.

I love to download and sort mods, I’ve made a random hobby of it. Though I am still fairly new to this pastime, I’ve become adept as I’ve done more research and made my own mistakes.

Trying to get a game just the way you want is time consuming and there are many, many mistakes which are made. Some leading to multiple restarts and others to uninstalling the entire game as well as the 85 mods I’ve painstakingly chosen and arranged.

How could this possibly be good for anyone’s mental health?!

I’ve found its given me a bit of a purpose as well as a sense of control. With covid, fires, and all the shit in the US as well as health problems, there is a fuck ton of crap going on. Its enough to trigger my depression, anxiety and PTSD all at the same time and lead to weeks of my own personal hell.

When I am able to refocus my energy on something I can control such as modding Skyrim and figuring out the nuances on how to make things work, I began to feel better. It allows my brain to focus on something outside of the tragedy and hardships.

At the same time it helps me work on my problem solving skills. Instead of just getting angry, I can step back and approach the problem with curiosity. Why didn’t it work? Did I miss something? Or did I read something wrong?

I’d love to type out more about this, but I’m incredibly tired and don’t want too anymore.

Oh! That’s another thing which helps, I can easily stop when I become too frustrated and find myself asking myself: Am I too tired? Do I need to eat? Do I need to step away and socialize? Is it time for me to switch to something else?

That’s all for this post! Happy gaming!

Utter and Constant Exhaustion

I wanted to write an incredibly deep and moving blog, but honestly my brain is crap. Its 3am and I’m still awake. I’ve spent most of the day sleeping because my hip is out of place….again. But this time instead of just being an inconvenience, I’ve been dealing with pain which makes me cry….just to let you know I’ve stepped on nails, gotten my feet stepped on by horses, been sucker punched and I didn’t really cry with any of those. The hip being out of place is just a new problem with a body which apparently wants to fall apart.

Since the beginning of this year I’ve been dealing with a multitude of health issues. Normally I have health problems but I can work around them, it comes with having an autoimmune disease. This year though, my body decided that the thyroid medication couldn’t possibly work anymore meaning I’m dealing with random weight gain, constant exhaustion, wanting to sleep, not wanting to eat, joint pain and so much more! That whole sentence would make a crappy commercial.

So in the past two months, my doctor has been working with me to try and find a good dosage while also running tests because….when I was 18; I had thyroid cancer. Woo! (Please note there is a WHOLE LOTTA sarcasm in this post.) Because of the fun cancer fact, when my body goes crazy I get to have some tests done to see if the cancer is back. Cause cancer does that. Its an uninvited house guest which poops in your sink, sets fire to your washer machine, clogs the toilet, and steals your favorite blanket. Then when you think you finally got rid of the lil asshole…it likes to come back, do it all over again and kick your puppy just for good measure. That would be cancer for ya. Sometimes its super sneaky about all of this too, so you think you’re losing your mind.

Also just an fyi people survive cancer but it can come back. Its a fact I live with everyday. Not something I think about much anymore, but its a truth. No one needs to be reminded of it, no one wants too. But if it does come back, will it be worse then before? Will there be more treatments? Surgery? These are all questions I have to ask. The thing is I don’t have answers. And I can’t let those thoughts stick in my head for long or I’ll drive myself crazy.

I’m exhausted, my body feels like its failing and I’ve had several tests done in the last month and will have more done. The thing is….I have moments of fear but I’m not scared. Mostly frustrated, its highly inconvenient to have health issues in general. This post has mostly been a rant. I’d love to finish off with some amazing nugget of wisdom but I don’t have much to offer except this…I am tired to the point where I want to lay down and not get up. So I get up. Everyday I get up, I brush my teeth, check in with my friends, feed my cat and talk to my plants. Maybe that’s all I do, but I got up and that’s all that matters some days.

Games: The Falconers: Moonlight

This is not a game for the faint-hearted or those easily disturbed by gore, idea of gore or violence.

It’s an intriguing concept to say the least, starting out as a young Falconer in a damp, misty town called Moonlight in New Zealand. A place which has just seen its fair share of tragedies and an even larger one in recent events. You come to investigate and get to the bottom of it.

What you do find is something troubling, to say the least. No one imagined it, nor was it on the list of possibilities but here you are about to make choices which can lead to life or death. Including your own.

I thoroughly enjoyed both the characters as well as the storyline as it was on a subject I knew little about. New Zealand history and the indigenous people. It’s set in a colonial period though I’m unsure of the exact dates. The main character does mention England only discovered New Zealand two hundred years before, but it had been settled by the Maori before then. The various conflicts between Europeans and the Maori are briefly mentioned which is not something I think of when I think of New Zealand.

Furthermore, it has action and a legend unfolding. The storytelling skills are somewhat to be lacking as I didn’t get overly attached to any of the characters, instead simply finding them interesting but felt more like a reader of a book then someone actively taking part.

The art is gritty, beautiful and suits the story being told. It adds to the story by allowing one to step into the scene, still it doesn’t fully draw you in and I look more at the writing for that.

As for the music, I enjoyed it. Once again adding to the impact, but somehow easily ignored as well.

The part I truly love is the originality, the history and how there is room for more.

Would I recommend it? Yes, but not at full price. Its quickly finished. It took me a little over an hour and a half.

Will I play it again? Yes, as I know there must be another ending or two.

Again these are my personal opinions and yes, I bought this game with my own money. It is available on Steam, and itch.io.

What am I doing this week?

Feels like such an incredibly unimportant question to ask when it seems like the world around us is drastically changing. So much happening, and for some it can feel as if one is just a small bystander. Watching history being made but unsure of how to help make it.

For me, I see it all and had to take a step back. Anxiety, PTSD, and depression flaring up bringing back memories which include violence against me simply because I am female. I signed petitions and shared media, then left my computer. For three days I lay in bed, unable to wrap my mind around much of anything. My body shutting down as I went through the motions of living. The forth day it occurred to me that as a human I am capable of choice, even on the days my body gives very little. So I asked myself, what am I going to do today?

Now feeling a bit better, still staying off of social media for the most part but supporting from a distance, I ask what am I doing this week.

The answer was simple, I am going to stay alive, game and write. These three things require my mind, my body and my emotions but they also require that I learn, heal and grow. How can I be a good ally or friend or even person if I refuse to do these three supposedly simple things?

The answer is…I can’t. If I refuse to learn, I choose ignorance. When I refuse to heal, I cause pain to myself and others, and if I refuse to grow then I am stagnant. Little more then a place for pond scum to dwell. So to be better, to want more and to get to a place where I can do more to support. I must apply myself and continue to do so.

So this week I shall stay alive, game and write. In turn choosing to learn, heal and grow through various media and sharing the lessons.

And now I leave with an abrupt end, I wish you well.

I’m not everyone’s type….

And I’m totally okay with it.

I’ve found it incredibly freeing to give myself permission to not be everyone’s type and to be okay with it. Just like everyone is not my type.

In my mind this isn’t a hit to my self-confidence or my image. Its similar to how I don’t like every vegetable or fruit. We have personal tastes. It can be complicated and yes, it brings into question if we are being shallow but I think attraction is a complicated issue.

Just because someone looks pleasing to me, doesn’t always mean I’m attracted to them. I can connect with them emotionally but I don’t have to force a physical attraction because it’s expected.

Its freeing to look at why you found someone appealing but equally freeing to find out what you find attractive about yourself.

Ask questions about yourself such as what do I like about me, what draws me to other people, what physical and mental characteristics appeal to me. This allows you to know more about yourself, and own your attraction. I know what I find attractive in people, but I also know that is not everything. It’s not just physical, but mental and emotional. When all of those boxes are ticked, its great. But they aren’t always going to be ticked for me or for the other person and that’s totally okay too.

It is not bad to not be someone’s “type” or to find out others aren’t physically attracted to you. Can it be hard to hear? Sometimes. Other times it takes allows for more freedom.

And instead of letting others determine your value. Determine your own. You are worth it. You are amazing and it’s totally okay not to be everyone’s type because attraction is not a super simple thing. Just look and be who you are. They like you or they don’t. No sweat off your back.

Stay fabulous! And more importantly stay you.

My First Blog Post

I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard

I find this quote hilarious, partially because it’s true but also I deal with passive suicidal ideation.

Bet no one saw that coming.

Suicidal ideation is when you wish you could die but have no plans. In my case it’s more of I don’t want to exist. Living is hard.

I live with PTSD, depression, anxiety and an autoimmune disease. I’m saying this to be perfectly honest with my readers but to also explain where I’m coming from. All of these affect the way I view life. And life is difficult enough without dealing with anything extra.

Please notice I said I live with them, not that I’m a victim because I’m not. I am a survivor. I fight. I learn and some days I even conquer.

If anyone lives with a mental or physical illness, they are not victims. No, we are survivors, fighters and have so much to offer. Do not write us off.

As I say that I know that I wrote my own self off. Many times I’m my own worst enemy and I wish that I had some crazy knowledge which would help everyone dealing with shit, but I don’t.

I have my story and what I’ve learned over the years. You are welcome to learn with me cause that’s what this is going to be…a learning experience.

The Part Where I Say Hi

I’m starting a blog and I’m terrified. Instead of keeping my thoughts to myself and locked away in a safe place, I’m spilling it out.

Why?

Because I’m telling my story and hoping people will hear it. That they will know they aren’t alone and it’s okay to feel lost, confused and scared in this weird, crazy, amazing world.

But more importantly I’m doing this for myself. I’m being totally and utterly selfish as I work to achieve a dream and take my voice back.

It’ll be squeaky and rough at first. But if you want to journey with me please do. Who knows what will happen or what crazy things I’ll do. All I can say is it’s going to be an adventure.